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The Hangover Makes The List

by Andrew McDonald 8 years ago

The harmonious marriage between movies and hangovers.

Most weekends now-a-days are fairly busy regardless of how exciting or mundane my plans are. I’m finding I have less and less days or even moments where I can simply veg-out and vegetating, relaxing or unwinding always involves a film and my full commitment towards it. Friends tell me the lack of time on my hands or the increase in demands comes with age and hint that I should surrender the fight and perhaps they’re right, but the embarrassing truth is that I’m constantly calculating my weekend around how to free up as many two hour brackets as I can. Which film or films is often the furthest thing from my mind; it’s more about the intention to get watching and to make sure the time allocated is absolutely free from pending chores or engagements, but once fulfilled I’ll be rewarded for enduring such excruciating, time-devouring labour.

 

Ok it’s not that bad, Saturday morning my body clock is still waking up with the regular pre-sunrise weekday alarm and by midday the dog and I have been for a run, I’ve exceeded my regular coffee intake, cleaned whatever mess has been nagging me all week and completed any necessary driving around. By the time I’ve raced back home I’ve freed up an afternoon and providing there are no further commitments, the time spent watching films can potentially run well into the night. At some stage whilst charging through duties at impeccable speed I’ve considered what’s waiting for me and when narrowing down the choices I’ve considered what I’m in the mood for, the duration and some semblance of a running order. Before long, I’m potentially set up for two plus hours of guilt free viewing, although the intention is always more thrilling than the reality.

 

What usually happens is first I’ll make another coffee before sitting down. The dog will be ecstatic because she knows that once I’m in that chair in that room, I’m not moving for at least an hour and a half and this is prime leaping, licking, nestling and finally napping time. This creature of habit recognises ‘the chair’ as the highlight of her week so I try to get through the hysteria and have her kneed into a comfortable position during the opening credits as juggling hot coffee and a euphoric dog is never easy. With sugar carousing through my system I’m wired but still dedicated to the early scenes. Despite the blinds being drawn there will no doubt be a tiny ray of sunlight poking through some nook or crevice that’s instructing me to disregard the uncertainty of that morning’s clouds because today’s turning out to be one of the most glorious on record. Within minutes the coffee’s gone and my mind ventures to the sleeping dog on my lap. I ponder as to whether she would be interested in another walk, and by walk I mean half an hour sprint! Agitated I check how long the movie has got to go for the first of many times. Sure enough we’re only sixteen minutes in and there’s still an hour and thirty eight left. By now the main plot of the film has been firmly established and I’m barely hanging on questioning whether this is the least engaging thing I’ve ever seen.

 

 

"The Chair"
“The Chair”

 

I’m plagued by thoughts such as if the dog didn’t poo on the run this morning then she’s most likely gone on the back lawn. I better go and scoop it up. I should water the pot plants while I’m out there. I should totally dust off that old guitar – I bet I could nail all those riffs as an adult that I could never quite master as a teenager. In fact I could play a whole note-perfect concert right now, to really make my teenage-self proud! Where did I get up to on various iPhone games? I’ll have a quick go but only the one and just while this dialogue is happening, no need to see their faces right? I think I’m hungry, especially since the run. That coffee didn’t fill me. I’m starving. I’ll make toast, add a slice of cheese and sit it under the grill. That will take too long. I’ll just microwave the cheese after I toast the bread. You know what I’ll skip the toaster and just have microwaved cheese on bread. Where have I seen that actor before, I better Google it. Who’s the director? Have they made anything else that I’ve seen and if so I did I like it? I’m definitely making a cheese squishy. Hit pause, and so it goes until the end of the movie, then my memory less than a week later is vague at best. Meanwhile I’m cursing myself for neglecting the film and the exact time I had set aside to watch it. Or if time was never a factor then that two hour bracket will extend to the entire afternoon and beyond as I repeatedly hit pause. Since I adopt the attention span of a fish, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to not only be in a certain mood to fully immerse myself but also a certain state of mind.

 

Enter the hangover!

 

When I say hangover I don’t mean the kind that borders on alcohol poisoning where the bucket’s beside the very bed that you’re confined to. Where you’re drenched in your own sweat and filth, napping on and off between vomiting until you can finally stomach a dry biscuit just before it’s actually time to sleep in the evening. Nor am I talking about the mild hangover where you occasionally feel slightly lethargic, perhaps a bit dusty throughout the day and have to keep reminding yourself that it’s because you had a few beers the night before. I’m talking about the seedy one in the middle where you typically wake up still drunk, limp around singing and laughing destroying all in your wake with booze-breath before correctly deciding it’s best to eat a big greasy breakfast to prevent the bucket/ bed scenario from materialising. Somewhere post-feed, a strong coffee, some headache tablets washed down with an electrolyte laden sports drink you realise you’re actually going to survive this! One thing is clear though, you and your bloodshot eyes are not fit for public consumption so you’ve resigned to the fact that you’re housebound and will selfishly remain draped in a blanket with the heater cranked or boxer shorts and air-conditioning depending on the physical nature of the hangover. As for the sunshine, it can go stick itself where the sun doesn’t shine. Chores be damned, all the running around postponed. The drunken promises you made to friends the night before like ‘I’m free tomorrow we’ll catch up for said thing then’ or ‘I’ll drive you to your car’ takes an instant raincheck by the same friends who have most likely forgotten the agreement anyway.

 

Suddenly that two hour movie bracket that you worked so hard to achieve on an average weekend has opened up into a triumphant full day that will continue into the early evening. I usually only have one fairly loose rule and that’s to avoid non-English-speaking films, reading can make you queasy and set you back ten paces un-doing all the good work of the greasy brekky and co. Once the afternoon arrives and the dizziness has subsided you could still run the risk of feeling sleepy, so again reading subtitles is off the cards. But other than post-drinking dyslexia or nausea a day of movie freedom is almost worth the arisen hell that you’ve brought on yourself.

 

The hangover movie marathon is certainly no revelation, I’d be hard pressed to find someone that wasn’t enjoying a film to alleviate the pain whilst suffering on the couch, but I’ve found that when I find that perfect balance where the couch takes precedence it’s become something of a sport. How many films can I cram into a day? Let’s find out! This has been made all the more agonising by the advent of the Watch List function on IMDB.com. A constant visitor to the website and app but never the savvy one when it comes to technology I completely overlooked the giant button that said ‘Add To Watch List’ and continued to write down films that had caught my interest on a scrap piece of paper which I kept folded in my wallet. It wasn’t until a fellow employee half my age caught me doing so during a stint working at a video rental store that I was enlightened on what the obvious button obviously did. He went on to explain that his IMDB Watch List contained over a hundred films. I mentally berated the poor guy for not taking the time to watch the films he so desperately needed to see and for allowing his list to reach such a figure, but within a fortnight of this internet discovery I had accumulated well over one hundred films of my own which was not hard to drum up at all. Panic set in as I considered the overwhelming task and suddenly a day on the couch was no longer about sluggishly channel surfing and micro-sleeping but about knocking down the 100+ films.

 

The list harboured unseen powers that turned me into an occasional dick too! I first developed a cynical streak when my sister-in-law invited my wife Laura and I to Melbourne’s Moonlight Cinema at the Botanical gardens. I related to her that the film she had chosen was on my Watch List which I guess she took as being a figure of speech. I on the other hand looked at her like she had two heads and felt compelled to explain! “The watch–list …on IMDB! What, don’t you have one?’ Her final remarks were something about ‘having a life’ and I let it go, but not before over-hearing the sisters ridicule me with remarks like ‘It’s on his Watch List! Is it on your Watch List?’ and I’m sure ‘loser’ got thrown in there too. Next in the firing line was my own wife Laura. I expressed an interest in seeing a rom-com that she explained was on her Watch-List. Suspicious, I asked what she was referring to and she showed me a list of movies manually typed onto her iPhone. I found this so primitive and told her so insisting she would benefit from my new found app function. Laura smiled, refused and continues happily writing (not clicking) to this day. I think from scrap of paper writer to internet list master I felt so proudly organised and needed to share. My list has since become a private matter, exclusive to my eyes only. I was scrolling down the list in a video store when the manager offered to help me find titles. He helped himself to my phone, began scrolling down and proceeded to deliver offhanded comments like ‘dude, you want to watch that?’ and ‘don’t bother! It’s shit!’ I have to admit I was embarrassed as there were a few guilty pleasures devoid of movie integrity so now I consult the list as though I’m peaking at something illegal.

 

On the radio a few years back, breakfast hosts were discussing each other’s New Year’s resolutions. One presenter announced that although it wasn’t a resolution she had decided to write down every film that she had seen that year. At first I dismissed the exercise as pointless, but that was also my initial reaction towards obtaining a Watch List. Since the discussion was topical I could already recite off the top of my head the few films I had already seen that year and decided to jot them down on my phone. I put them into two lists, films I had seen before and those I was watching for the first time. I consulted the list more often than expected as it didn’t occur to me how frequently this would come in handy to jog my memory. When asked ‘seen anything good lately?’ I usually spend most of the conversation fumbling and trying to remember something worth recommending. Call it a cheap thrill but now with remembering out of the equation I was making suggestions based on the individual’s taste and interests. Soon I wondered how the hell I ever survived without logging before; I mean surely this was an obvious thing to do if you watch a lot of films.

 

So as I tried to diminish one list another was growing and the total watched that year was 160. I didn’t see this as an alarming figure – in fact just the other day I heard about a guy that held the record at the Melbourne International Film Festival for seeing over a hundred films and that’s in under a month and involves leaving the house. And sure I usually knock down well over ten films at the same festival, it’s rare that I don’t find something to see at the cinema  each week, watching film’s online has become all too easy and there’s always some DVD I’m digging out that’s returned to my attention. But, at a work Christmas lunch the topic of films came up and so did my year long list. When I announced that I had watched close to 160 films in the last year my colleagues were in a visible state of shock. One in particular countered that he had seen a total of two films all year which to be honest turned me a tad white. It was only at this time that I felt I might have a slight problem although one I still fail to recognise knowing that this number is small fry to some. I also can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t churning through films. This year I have almost caught up with last year’s total in just over six months and my wild nights out have actually dwindled, so, if the occasional hangover marathon is a sport then I’m on track to becoming a gold medallist.

 

My history with the hangover movie doesn’t begin too well. I was fairly young and extremely intoxicated at a house party that was a few minutes’ walk from where I lived. The only sensible thing I did that night was acknowledge that I was in close proximity to home. I would have been a walking liability in the city or anywhere that required actual consideration about getting home and could have otherwise landed in trouble. Recollections of the night are sketchy but I was definitely beer pressured into consuming more and staying out later and later until the sun came up and all the while I was thinking everything was fine since I was close to my bed providing I should eventually use it. Or perhaps that was the persuasive argument of my fellow party-goers. When I did make it home I even struggled to find sleep and finally admitted defeat, scraped myself up again and turned to face the long day. Slightly out of character, I immediately came clean with my mum and told her that I was sick, tired and muddle-headed and that it was all self-inflicted, sadistically encouraging a stern talking to that never eventuated. Next I remember being given a stern talking to by my then partner and rather than apologising as I would have automatically done, I bit back and ended the call without resolve. I figuratively and literally wanted to rest in peace.

 

Knowing I had the blues (or the bleakest-blacks in this case), mum cheered me up by revealing that the rest of the family would be out for the day and that I had the whole house to myself to relax and sleep. Then she added something along the lines of ‘why don’t you watch the film you borrowed?’ I had rented Witness For The Prosecution and at the time could think of nothing better than laying down and getting lost in a black and white courtroom drama. Even now the film screams perfect, lazy Sunday entertainment. You have Billy Wilder at the helm, Agatha Christie is the literary mastermind, it has a twist, a superb cast – Charles Laughton was hailed for his performance as the aged Barrister or at least that’s what the quote read on the DVD sleeve. For almost two hours I sat uninterrupted and stared at the screen but I might as well have been watching a channel of snowy white noise. Not an inch of that film sunk in; all I can tell you is that I saw a film set in a courtroom. Twist? I can’t remember a scrap of plot let alone a twist. Performances? The cast could have been wearing towels in the courtroom for all I remember. Direction? Cinematography? Dialogue? Script? Not a chance! Just recently at work a colleague mentioned she’s a sucker for a courtroom drama – after ticking off mutual preferences like A Few Good Men, 12 Angry Men and Murder In The First I asked what would be her all-time favourite and she replied Witness For The Prosecution. Searching my blank face for recognition I assured her I had in fact seen it and what a classic it is, neither statement of which is a lie. I mentioned something about how long it’s been and how I must watch it again – also not a lie! But there was an obvious reason for my lack of banter which I didn’t disclose and in future when this film arises (it most likely won’t) I figure I’ll just emphasise its classic nature and brilliant twist (whatever that was).

 

 

Marlene Dietrich was in Witness For The Prosecution. Well how about that!
Marlene Dietrich was in Witness For The Prosecution. Well how about that!

 

Somewhere throughout the beer career I found my hangover-film-watching-groove. Throughout 2002 my friend Catherine and I would make plans (whilst drunk) to visit the cinema the following day and we were young enough at the time to see these plans through without the hangover dictating the couch instead. The routine was to catch up for a drink on a Wednesday of all nights and these nights always blew out. Thursday is also the day when new releases hit our cinemas so I guess that too was a factor and there was always something we needed to see. Off the top of my head I remember dragging myself to Adaptation and White Oleander on their release dates. Shamefully, I’m also reminded of giggling at Gaylord Productions the production company that for some reason kept appearing at each screening without fail. One time our friend Tim came along and when we started giggling at the title he turned and shouted ‘you guys are fucked!’ How right he was and our giggles were certainly not warranted nor welcomed but in our hung-over state the coincidence of the same production company popping up yet again coupled with the induced immaturity level from our alcoholic cloud, that and just about everything else seemed hysterical!

 

During a screening of Chicago we walked into the wrong cinema (Cinema 6 instead of 9). To make a generalisation we queried amongst ourselves as to where all the families were as only single men were present. Our answer came when the title Star Trek: Nemesis appeared on screen. Rather than panic and rectify the mistake quickly (as I certainly would do if this happened today), we casually got to our feet and rolled out of there wetting ourselves laughing much to the trekkers chagrin. Another time after we left the cinema I decided I was going to become a film-maker and handed over a credit card spending over a thousand dollars on a digital video camera, not something I would have done or could even justify if my thinking was a bit clearer. Although it got used at functions not a single film was ever made that’s for sure.

 

Hands down the strongest bout of hangover giggles was whilst watching About Schmidt. It was a good-un! We were most likely still drunk and thought we’d try the hair of the dog combat approach to cope with our public surroundings. After buying a ticket we used the time in between to race to a pokies venue beside the cinema and drink a beer to level ourselves out. Of course this made us even more giddy if only temporarily. Having a better understanding for Alexander Payne’s work these days I accept his films can often be a tug of war between laughter and heartache. About Schmidt had me in stitches, well at least the first half anyway. I knew it was wrong to laugh but when Jack Nicolson’s character Warren Schmidt’s wife dies I couldn’t control myself, it was like finding something funny in church. I got the sense that the people around me were cross too as I must have appeared insensitive but to re-examine, I was somewhat right to chuckle given the context. In the scenes leading up to her death Nicolson has pointed out all the ways that his wife bothers him, petty annoyances like how she likes to jiggle the car keys before they even see the car, so to see him distressed over her passing after this barrage of aggravations deserved a laugh, albeit a morbid one.

 

Next, out of sheer boredom or perhaps in search for purpose Schmidt who has lost touch with the modern world decides to foster a young Tanzanian boy named Ndugu. In his first letter he explains to Ndugu his personal woes such as his retirement and the ‘cocky bastard’ who replaced him which he later scribbles out. In case that wasn’t funny enough what really got me was when he includes the cheque certifying ‘you’ll probably want to get yourself something to eat’ as though he’s talking to an old friend. His assumption that the malnourished child will cash the cheque at the bank then shop for groceries at the supermarket kept me laughing well into the next three scenes at least! It’s cruel I know, but I could not get the mental image of a confused, starving boy or his supervisors reading Schmidt’s letter out of my head. By the latter half of the film the beer buzz had worn off and so had my sense of humour. In my fragile state I switched to sensitive-drama-mode and when Ndugu sends a drawing back to Schmidt (a childlike portrait of the two) I was desperately holding back the tears, although every time I’ve watched About Schmidt since I have found the second half just as funny… the booze hey?

 

 

Jack Nicolson as Warren Schmidt. About Schmidt didn't make me cry I just had weepy eyes from a lack of sleep!
Jack Nicolson as Warren Schmidt. About Schmidt didn’t make me cry I just had weepy eyes from a lack of sleep!

 

The pinnacle of hangover film watching came in my late twenties. My bestie Burke and I found ourselves both single and living together and the partying would extend to years. Hardly a reason to gloat but we became seasoned veterans, trained professionals, and alcoholic all-stars. Backing up a big Friday night was no stretch, hell we’d even go out Thursday since there was technically only one more working day to endure before the official partying began! Between working indoors all day, staying out at night on weekends and hiding behind drawn shades of a Saturday and Sunday afternoon we barely saw sunlight and this was confirmed when the doctor insisted I take Vitamin D. I was working in DVD retail and Burke in DVD distribution so we were privy to new releases and release dates, had an impressive combined DVD collection and swiped the odd DVD-screener of coming attractions. Hangovers were strictly about the couch (like we had a choice) and our weepy eyes were trained on the TV all day. A considerably mild one would call for something new that had piqued our curiosity but if it was a shocker, the kind where you’re shivering and sweating all at once we’d be opting for familiar DVDs or pleading with Foxtel for a light presentation, perhaps something from our childhood like a Goonies or a Gremlins. It makes me cringe now but checking the TV guide or using the remote control function was even too hard work in these circumstances, the remote was either out of arms reach or lost under the couch cushions and the TV guide was usually in the toilet which might as well have been on the moon. The only time we’d venture out of the house those days was the ritual mission to the closest fast food outlet unless we could convince someone to bring the food to us.

 

After a while the complaining and moaning on the couch and the endless hours of films became the norm. The constant tug-of-war over whether or not to vomit would be abominable and the guilt and shame that all this was our own fault made for some sorry afternoons, but not for a lack of entertainment or laughter (usually at each other’s misfortunes), so I dare say it almost became fun. We even recognised at the time that one day we might actually miss and pine for the present but in a mixed state of misery, delirium, giggles, regret and loneliness that would each come in random waves, it was difficult to know for sure. Of course I get it now! We had endless weekends with no commitments other than to party and watch movies; we were living in a dream!

 

Burke and I on a typical weekend night.
Burke and I on a typical weekend night.

 

Burke and I on a typical weekend day (Burke not pictured)
Burke and I on a typical weekend day (Burke not pictured)

 

Just to make matters clear, one thing I cannot do is watch a film drunk. After three beers I’ve rendered the whole exercise futile, I cease to engage and the film becomes a mental chore. I read an article once about which drinks will enhance certain films. Absolute crock! One example was how Jean-Pierre Jeunet’s A Very Long Engagement is more fluid with a specific type of brandy or some such thing and although I enjoy his films 1. I am not watching that one again as ‘long’ was the operative word and 2. Knowing my luck it will be equally as forgettable because I’ve added alcohol to the mix. It’s a total struggle and the haze wins every time or leaves you sobbing at Jack Nicolson’s plight when you should be laughing and vice versa. I do value the trip to the cinema these days far too much to have it ruined by alcohol but if I rack my brain I can only conjure up onetime when the cinema and alcohol went hand in hand:

 

Towards the end of high-school Burke and my other bestie Bell discovered the joys of intoxication. We would meet at the closest cinema at the local shopping complex and instruct our parents to drop us off half an hour early which gave us enough time to run under the nearby bridge and swig enough straight alcohol to get us somewhere between tipsy and drunk. It was always a bottle of Wipe-out, which I’ve never heard of before nor tasted since but it did as the label suggested. We’d then watched a film that none of us can remember seeing. What’s even more perplexing is that we even coaxed girls into joining us and given our track record with charming members of the opposite sex this was quite a feat! But back then the fun was seeing who became the most-drunk in the short amount of time, the challenge of buying the ticket and deceiving the ticket box employees into thinking we were sober (like they cared) and I guess breaking the ice when talking to girls. The duration of the film would sober us up and we were home and in bed before ten. Our parents, to my knowledge were none the wiser as the additional half an hour of drinking time didn’t drag the night’s duration into suspicious territory. Looking back I see this as completely pointless, a waste of time and money and worse it was an insult to my treasured cinema going experience. And yet discovering alcohol under a bridge is truly a fond memory. We certainly laughed a lot! I’m keen to know if the guys remember what films we saw during our Wipe-out or how we even acquired the bottle.

 

I got talking to Catherine only recently about what films we had seen lately. Our tastes are still fairly similar but she did point out that unfortunately finding two simultaneous hours can be a stretch these days so she’s more inclined to watch a TV show knowing you can pick it up and put it down as you see fit. But, Catherine also went on to admit that she was also likely to watch a TV show for hours on end and in hindsight could have fit a few films in. This isn’t the first time someone’s told me this. People generally appear to be gravitating towards TV for the time factor which leads me to believe that perhaps there is good reason to be so adamant about allocating movie time, especially since I generally get more enjoyment out of them. I also have a baby on the way which although I’m excited about the new chapter there’s a part of me that wonders if one day I’ll be the guy at the work Christmas lunch saying ‘a hundred and how many films this year? I’ve only seen two! And I fell asleep both times!’ When that happens I guess I can always re-read this post and remind myself of the golden age I didn’t know I was in, festering whilst reading about my two-hour-bracket-film-complaints and making sarcastic remarks like ‘cute’. One thing’s for sure though, the baby will never have to twist my arm to go to the cinema and there’s a cupboard full of DVDs that I’m happy to revisit with her/him all over again! I  solemnly vow to shed the need to reduce one list while another increases . I also vow to suppress the urge to let movies infiltrate my mind at every opportunity where a vacant two hour opening presents itself… unless… you know… I have a hangover.

 

 

My view of the world throughout most of my late-20s.
My view of the world throughout most of my late-20s.

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Posted by: Andrew McDonald

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