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SSSSHHOOOOOOOSSSSHH!

by Andrew McDonald 8 years ago

A brief history of cinema talkers and shooshers.

My wife Laura and I recently did something that we’ve been threatening to do for a very long time. We walked away from people talking in the cinema. That’s right! When our glares, tsks and shooshes went unacknowledged we gathered up our snacks and belongings then moved right out of ear-shot! It’s a sad state of affairs when action like this is necessary and what’s sadder albeit slightly coincidental is that Laura and I had prepared for this very scenario only half an hour prior. In the car on the way there we had agreed that we wouldn’t get uptight and that we would simply move away should this very thing happen. Lately we come to expect crossing paths with the odd cinema-talker as there’s always a fair possibility when in close proximity to strangers and living deeper in the ‘burbs these days I fear it may become inevitable as convenience dictates that we frequent some tired and run-down looking cinema-complexes which wouldn’t be complete without the odd dicey inhabitant. But when push comes to shove my bravado takes a backseat and for all my tensing up I typically refrain from removing myself from the situation and bear with the constant mutterings, thus allowing the film to be ruined and officially associated with the poor experience.

 

I had no immediate concerns as we found our seats. The odds were stacked neatly in our favour – it was late on a Sunday afternoon, the movie was Cameron Crowe’s latest Aloha thereby eliminating a teenage boy’s birthday party, surely? In fact Aloha had marginalised more than just teenaged boys, the cinema was empty bar one lady who we courteously sat a suitable distance from. By the time the film commenced a few more people had moseyed in including the two ladies who positioned themselves directly behind us and would soon enough test our patience and our will! The ladies were perhaps in their early forties and to be honest I just didn’t pick them to be the disruptive type. It was practically an empty cinema but sure, sit within arms distance; it’s really no big deal. They chatted throughout the previews, again no big deal, Laura and I did the same thing. The chatter extended to the film, not odd whispers about what was shown on screen either (which believe me I could still semi-appreciate) but rather a normal-speaking-voice catch up on old times and everything in between. The type of conversation that any rational person might do over coffee or lunch but their preferred rendezvous point as I was learning was the cinema! I still gave them the benefit of the doubt, the intro was a lot of stock footage of Hawaii and rockets which didn’t make a lick of sense this early in the piece. The grace period of fifteen minutes where handshakes and plot points are established came and went. I was desperately clinging on for dear life. I tried the nasty glare (which was either ignored or was too sheepish in its delivery) and Laura gave them a nice big threatening sssshhhh, both to no avail! I came to realise the film was merely a transitional figure for their outing and if it had suddenly morphed into hard-core porn I still doubt it would have commanded their attention.

 

Fed up, Laura uttered ‘should we move?’ which although we had promised to do this countless times when faced with the same predicament in the past, something in my conservative conscience had always managed to keep me bound to the seat forcing me to struggle through it. Some twisted form of politeness or a sick fear of making a scene held me in place but I also recognised that Aloha was still salvageable if we made our immediate escape as discussed. Luckily it was dark because no one needed to see our red faces, mine nervous – Laura’s flustered. Through a bead of sweat I replied in the most autocratic whisper I could muster ‘Yep!’ We quickly got to our feet and I aggressively wrapped a firm hand around my plastic drink bottle making one crunchy sounding statement of my own!

 

Once we’d safely shifted to one of the several empty pockets I needed a moment for my heart to stop racing as it must have been clear to any onlookers what bold and brave action had just occurred. Before long I was completely settled, the anxiety of my perceived spectacle wore off and I slid right back inside the world of Aloha, which lead me to question why in the hell I’d never done this before? Seriously, I don’t have enough fingers to count how many cinema disruptions I’d put up with in the past, how many films spoiled and how many bad associations and amidst my infuriation a wave of missed opportunities came flooding back.

 

The catalyst that sparked the car discussion came when Laura and I last visited Melbourne’s Astor Theatre at a time when it looked as though it was about to close down for good. Built in 1936 this beautiful rep cinema did actually close for a few months before being rescued but in that uncertain period we required one more fix on the final week, a chance to say our thanks and goodbyes to our beloved building. On the final week we faced the problem of picking a free night and finding something that would remotely spark both our interests. We agreed on Ben-Hur since neither of us had ever gotten around to sitting through all three and a half hours of it and upon further inspection realised that all we really knew about Ben-Hur was that Charlton Heston races in a chariot. I didn’t realise there were parallels between films like Spartacus and Gladiator nor the fact that there’s an Easter-y religious element, we didn’t realise William Wyler who directed some of our all-time favourites was responsible, so even though it was a three and a half hour excuse to immerse ourselves in a majestic theatre, we were content to let old Ben wash over us.

 

The Astor Theatre.
The Astor Theatre.

 

Well we left half way through. Laura claimed she couldn’t stay awake and granted she was at an early stage of pregnancy where activities post 9pm were proving difficult but I vow it went deeper and that the real reason was because we were seated in front of the King of Kings (of comedy). This man was an obstacle even Ben-Hur could not overcome! On this occasion our resident comedian’s incessant need to ridicule the film reached borderline insanity. I take into consideration that in all its technicolour glory Ben-Hur can often look, sound and feel dated making it can an easy target but that’s because it was made in the 1950’s and you knew that already! Also the cinema was full with people just like us watching a classic for what we thought might be the last time on our favourite screen, thus keeping us cemented in our adopted seats. Next imagine watching this epic with someone making jokes at the films expense in rapid loud succession. Nothing was off limits either; each shot required a remark from acting to dialogue to costumes (or lack thereof) not to mention the odd homophobic and racial innuendos and snickers. What struck me as more odd was that the accompanied friend, date, sadist, whoever, actually seemed to find him funny at least for a little while but eventually even she grew awkwardly silent. This didn’t deter the resident court jester in the slightest, in fact it escalated and the longer the film went on the bolder and more absurd the jokes became (probably the result of exhausting every feasible joke in the first ten minutes), so we left in a miserable huff.

 

I let it linger all the way home, had this been any old screening ruined by giggling teenagers I might have shrugged it off but I struggled to reconcile with an adult who was on a depraved, selfish mission and possibly even a date! And of his intentions, were we meant to join him on his quest or clap along as he found a fault in every single on-screen moment? Why should this Heston fellow claim all the glory? What’s more hurtful was that The Astor was the very place that Laura and I had gotten engaged which made our final goodbye a sentimental one. But sulking aside I couldn’t help but feel the sting that I could never bring myself to grow a pair and unleash epic-Ben-Hur-esque-ungodly-hell upon this cinema pest and scarier still is that in biting my tongue I was sadly beginning to resemble the very grumpy old man that I myself used to pester in my younger days.

 

The look on Judah Ben-Hur's face pretty much sums up my evening watching the film.
The look on Judah Ben-Hur’s face pretty much sums up my evening watching the film.

 

I wasn’t always so precious about a trip to the movies. I’ve sat through some memorable film disruptions that I can even reflect upon with a smile. Time has healed some the wounds if they were even wounds to begin with: There was a couple on a date who sat behind me during a screening of House Of Flying Daggers. We were off to a fine start when he turned to his date and said ‘do I have to read this whole fuckin’ film?’ and pangs of illiteracy spurred him on throughout. During One Fine Day some kids behind us watched youtube videos on their phones at capacity volume instead of viewing the giant screen before them making for One Average Night. But the biggest corker of all was the 2001 Director’s Cut of The Exorcist. The Victorian Premier Steve Bracks at the time changed the legislation to allow movies to play on Good Friday, however the Justice Department requested The Exorcist not be screened out of respect to the Christian community (although this seemed fairly inconsistent considering the R-rated Hannibal had not come under an scrutiny). Bracks eventually lifted the ban figuring that since no individual church figures seemed opposed in the first place, and technically any offended parties could simply choose not to attend such screenings.

 

Now I can sit through The Exorcist any day of the week so I sure as hell snapped up a ticket on this holy of holy days and as it turns out I wasn’t alone! Upon arrival it was apparent that this had become an event, each session was sold out mostly with teenagers flocking as a result of the media attention The Exorcist received as opposed to the actual film itself. It was also apparent that the majority didn’t quite know what they were getting themselves into as there were clearly a lot of Exorcist first-timers who had not been versed on young Regan’s demonic ordeal. I was reminded of seeing Henry Rollins discuss The Exorcist during an attended spoken word show. As a child he first saw The Exorcist with his mother and her God-fearing friends in an affluent part of town and afterwards they were so terrified that they insisted on walking one another to their cars. Rollins also saw a second screening of The Exorcist with his friends in a rough neighbourhood where the entire cinema found the possessed girl ridiculous and he and the audience laughed throughout its entirety leaving him unsure as to what made it so scary the first time. The point was state of mind, atmosphere, environment and attitudes can change the outcome of the experience but on Good Friday this was a definitely case of the former that turned into the latter!

 

The guy directly in front of me was so confronted by Linda Blair’s evil transformation that his coping mechanism was to place numerous calls to his friends (also in the cinema). ‘Where are you? Down the front? Nah Im in the back? Come up the back! Fuck that I’m not going up there, you come here!’ and so on and so forth until each scene with Linda Blair passed. But he wasn’t alone as half the cinema was up to similar antics to deal with the film’s intensity; you could barely hear the screen for all the nervous chatter until eventually everyone mentally checked out and the cinema almost turned into a nightclub. All this I didn’t mind since I knew the film backwards, I actually enjoyed seeing people’s reactions to a film that was originally released twenty eight years earlier! More importantly is that I’m comfortable enough in my own skin to know that The Exorcist can make leap out of my own skin and don’t feel the need to act up every time Regan has a spell.

 

Somewhere further back I was a teenage cinema going outlaw, behaving like the current brunt of my own scorn. There were times where I deliberately set out to be a nuisance. Yes, it was deplorable behaviour but when I was fourteen I must have been so impressed with Cliffhanger that I saw it twice and the second time was with my friend Warwick who I swear encouraged me to upset the surrounding patrons by letting fly with as many spoilers as I so freely chose. In one sequence, Sylvester Stallone thrusts an enemy through a frozen stalactite and seconds before doing so I screamed ‘he kills him on that ice spike!’ I assumed that much was obvious but as hoped the guy in front of me (the perpetrators always behind you) violently swung around with a sinister shoosh and when failing to relent I copped a mighty ‘Will. You. Fuckin’. Shut. Up!’ and what’s worse is that in all my teenage arrogance I really didn’t care in fact I relished in my role as off-screen villain. I even laughed whilst firing spoilers and wore each hush with pride right up until John Lithgow’s fate is sealed.

 

This character building developed a year prior. I was treated to a trip to the movies for my thirteenth birthday with about ten friends and no adult supervision and all I can remember was feeling absolutely stressed the entire time! Perhaps the film was to blame; Suburban Commando saw the pairing of Christopher Lloyd with Hulk Hogan yet couldn’t keep a bunch of teens enthralled because they all kept ducking out to smoke in the foyer which was permitted back then. Although I’d later become the biggest slave to cigarettes of anyone I’ve ever known I didn’t even entertain the idea at the time as I was more concerned that my parents sense of smell would mark our undoing when we returned home. I kept insisting everyone chew gum before leaving which proved useless as one of my friend’s sisters who happened to be awaiting our return looked at me and made the two-fingers-to-the-mouth international sign for smoking. If she knew then I figure the secret was out.

 

Suburban Commando plays second fiddle to cigarettes.
Suburban Commando plays second fiddle to cigarettes.

 

The clear ringleader was my childhood friend Chris who was a year or so older, and a testament to his ring leadership he was the only one who didn’t attend the same high school from which the rest of us knew one another but still managed to take charge of birthday proceedings. On the rare occasion when the party was actually seated in the cinema, Chris lead us through a game of throwing popcorn at the smaller group of kids in front of us. For fear of being the ultimate stick in the mud at my own party I haphazardly joined in. When the kids in front finally stood up for themselves Chris immediately leapt forward from seat to seat to until he reached their row. To this day I don’t know what he said to the poor buggers but when he resumed his seat beside me, I was free to continue throwing popcorn at my own intrepid leisure. If anything, it was a lesson in unaccompanied behaviour that I would bring to Stallone’s next offering amongst others soon enough!

 

As far back as I can remember Chris was wild and would always lure me into his own misdemeanours, a path that sadly continues to this day but I always liked him as he was very loyal and protective of me. He taught me many of my first swear words and not only that, we road tested them all on our mothers. I vividly remember Chris and I standing on one side of our coffee table pushing our luck with ‘shit’ and ‘fuck’ over and over again while my mum screamed at me as his mum did the same to him which emboldened us even more once we realised that neither parent was going to smack their own child in front of the other. By age eight he would make me walk around shopping centres with a ghetto blaster lodged on my shoulder designed not to enjoy the appalling sounds of the 80s we blasted but to upset the shopkeepers. I found this ridiculous and asked ‘why are we pretending to be cool?’ to which he replied ‘we are cool!’ which gave true insight into his worldview. I didn’t feel too invincible when a shopkeeper finally chased us out of one centre but Chris on the other hand felt hard done by and let his hurt feelings be known by shouting the same choice words that he had taught me as a child.

 

When we were a bit older I had to give Chris credit for granting me one of the most intense days of my life. I was to spend the day at his house, it was a weekday and it seems both of our separate schools were closed for business. Chris had plans other than hanging around the house all day and I was marched straight to K-mart where he met his friend whose favourite pastime to graffiti walls. So the first thing they did was steal the apparatus. Call me naive but I didn’t even see them swipe the spray cans but sure enough once outside their pants were lined with them. I wanted out of this deal and this shopping complex real quick but once we escaped the ominous K-mart car-park and subsequently a criminal record not a moment was spared before the real fun started. The next task was to decide where to spray the cans. As a means of revenge the friend chose his former Primary-school, all while school was actually taking place no less. So we stealthily entered… actually no we didn’t, we walked in like we ruled the place making no attempt to hide our identities and content that no one was watching, the friend started tagging his name all over the walls, not small squirts either, these were long broad strokes that covered the whole space and just as quick as we walked in to defile the place, to my relief we were gone and on to the next public canvas.

 

The day progressed along these lines, cigarettes were stolen (and inhaled) from another friends-parents milk bar, provocative remarks were delivered to teenagers that looked similar in age and yet somehow no fight ensued and just when I thought the day would finally take it down a notch since we were waiting for a bus to take us back to Chris’s house, a new conquest had been discovered. He pointed out two girls at a neighbouring bus stop who looked as though they were returning home from work. In the company of his friends (we latched onto some more along the way) he turned to me and said ‘ask that girl out for me’ (Which girl was irrelevant). I’m hopeless at approaching girls at the best of times so I flatly refused. Of course Chris objected and cut deep with ‘you reckon you’re crazy and you can’t even ask her for me?’ I never professed to anything of the sort. Now if we were between ages thirteen and fourteen the girls were at least twenty and so there I was off to play cupid in order to maintain the crazy reputation I never claimed to have, to adults who at a glance would never have been interested in Chris in a million years. So I ambled over and feebly asked if she / they liked that guy over there (who had just tipped his baseball cap right over his face making him even less recognisable). They both just stared making me feel every inch as pathetic as I looked and with a grimace one girl eventually scowled ‘you can go back to your friends now’. Relieved I mumbled something and sped back to the group yet consciously tried to give the appearance of someone who had effortlessly pulled off one hell of an exchange. I threw it right back in his face too. ‘She said no’ as though now it was Chris’ fault. He urged me to return once again without any concise explanation as to how the ball ended up back in my court but I was fed up and with a stroke of good fortune our bus arrived to return me to safety (sanity).

 

I never spent a whole day with Chris at least like that again, but each time I saw him he had one crazy story after another all of which I never doubted for a second. Within a year had inked the necessary tattoo on his forearm of an Asian triad he was running with and promised that he and the gang would always look out for me. Although he never kept that promise in a simple state of oblivion whenever I found trouble at school I’d make threats that a gang would be paying each offender a visit which in hindsight is the stupidest, most blindly cocky thing I could have done as any bully could have made light work of me right on the spot. Fortunately I walked away unscathed especially since Chris and company never did show up on the rare occasion that I made a vengeful plea for help. Although I don’t see Chris anymore but his name still gets thrown around amongst friends with regards to the high-school birthday era as he truly made an impression. For instance Warwick recently told me that the first time he ever saw an R rated film was at my house because Chris insisted we watch Commando.

 

I think it’s time I began to channel my inner Chris once again, since we lost contact I started to take films way too seriously – making unspeakable choices like studying film theory and cinema history, neglecting B-grade action flicks and working in DVD retail when I could have been running with gangs and terrorising lovers and young kids. The older I get I assume the angrier I’ll become when disruptions arise and I guess that can’t be helped without undergoing some radical mental transformation but can I return to the fore when movie going was just one big party in my honour designed to infuriate those around me? Sure you could call these latter episodes karma but let’s be honest I was responsible for ruining Cliffhanger and inadvertently Suburban Commando I’d say you few victims got off lightly, I could argue that your shitty experience in hindsight was favourably heightened and far more thrilling than what was projected onscreen!

 

I acknowledge that I need to find a happy medium somewhere in between popcorn-throwing-brawling-threats and compliantly seething in my seat. The walk-away certainly worked but why shouldn’t I have fled without some venomous exit? Really set an example that you would-be-comedians and cinema-socialites messed with the wrong guy and you should question such behaviour in future. And if so, what can you say to make it really hit home? Something between ‘this is preposterous, we’re leaving’ to ‘shut ya fuckin’ faces ya dumb dickheads’? Finally, what’s the worst that could happen? To this day I can only recall one person that was actually removed by security from a cinema and that’s because he was ‘rapping’ louder than and over the top of 8 Mile. I’m sure in his mind Dr. Dre was to suddenly shuffle up beside him and offer a recording contract all the while kicking himself for never having discovered this diamond in the rough previously. And when he wasn’t rapping he was making entirely valid claims that one day Eminem will be watching him instead of the other way round! People cheered as he was escorted out and I believe a few people demanded a refund. Personally refunds or free tickets are beside the point once a film’s ruined it adopts an association with the accompanied evening no matter how wonderful it may be. You’re there because you have invested the time and money and these days I can’t be sure when I’ll be back to see the same film so my mission from here on in is to not have a film ruined in the first place.

 

8 Mile. The "other" rap battle.
8 Mile. The “other” rap battle.

 

Take whatever action is necessary: Access the situation, crowd attendance, proximity to potential talkers, examine the quantity of legs to pass through on your move or even stick close to an aisle if possible upon entry. Mark your new location in advance. Gather all belongings because you aren’t coming back, and above all decide upon how abruptly you wish to leave. Are we hunching over and prancing to safety or are we making a scene louder than the one on screen? I’ll have a full report on your desk just as soon as I come face to face with my old loud nemesis once again.

 

 

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Posted by: Andrew McDonald

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