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Why Movies?

by Andrew McDonald 8 years ago

The big question.

I’ve been trying to piece together a firm answer to an easily overlooked question that I have failed to ever give reasonable consideration to in the past. It’s the big one – why movies? What exactly is it about film as opposed to any other form of entertainment that keeps me salivating and sets me on a permanent mission to desperately seek more. It’s constant – the seemingly endless hunt, the wading through brilliance and garbage week in week out, the high-tailing it to cinemas or examining DVD shelves at department stores with a fine tooth comb and yet it never gets tired. I mean sure there’s too much out there to ever feel truly satisfied and you can only see so much, but the need to keep digging for gold continues with no discernable end in sight. Perhaps I’m trying to uncover some elusive unseen gem that will turn out to rival the greatest piece of cinema that I have committed to memory or find an obscure relic that strictly appeals to my individuality and resonates solely on a personal level, something that I can forever hail and pin my hopes to that no one else will ever likely understand or bother to see. Or have all of our history’s greatest movies already been accounted for, protected cell by cell, and taken their place upon the hierarchal cinematic throne forever to be regurgitated with endless bonus features in the latest home video format leaving us to revisit gold rather than continue searching for it? Who knows, but I’m kept curious enough to persist with this unspoken quest for such an elusive artefact, something that will elbow or rather bulldoze its way into the Top 10 list with no other tangible or shared purpose but an everlasting personal comfort for discovering something phenomenal.

 

But how exactly did the motion picture medium claw its way under my skin and under the skin of so many before me like a parasite that continues to feed and nest, mercilessly turning us into fiends that are only satisfied when caught beneath the shadow of a giant screen. Other interests receive their fleeting stay but nothing that compares to the overview of movies and by overview I don’t mean flirting with a few popular staples when it comes to a specific genre either, it’s an all-encompassing fondness for the whole conglomerate, which should seem overwhelming but somehow jars you to your toes and holds you upright in eager suspension. Surely racking my brain to find pivotal moments that pushed me past a point of no return where I would become film’s helpless devotee can’t be too daunting a task but I’m keen record how such a commitment spawned and ruled where other fun pastimes like books or television never reached the upper echelon of my passions and remained just that, fun pastimes.

 

Now when movies reach the irreplaceable pole position of interests there has to be an antithesis! I’m not about to go on an anti-jock rant about sport nor single out any specific type of event or competition to cast my displeasure, I had several emo years to venomously exercise those demons and for all my angst and ridicule, sport never did disappear up its own arse as I’d suspected it eventually would – the height of maturity I know. If anything, sport fascinates me more so now if I can examine it objectively. For instance, I will never be able to wrap my head around how, say, the world’s biggest band or most iconic pop-star of the day should struggle to fill more than two nights in a stadium that guarantees an extravaganza of bona fide entertainment, solid well-rehearsed and executed performances, theatrics and pyrotechnics to boot. Yet when it comes to sport, tickets are snapped up instantly and stadiums are sold out on a weekly basis much to the disappointment of the countless others that didn’t act fast enough!

 

There’s a fifty per cent chance your team will lose, you’ll leave the grounds miserable and most likely before the event has even finished. The athletes that you came to see will cop the brunt of your ruthless heckling and accepted foul language regardless of whether the same athlete was momentarily adored for a favourable physical stunt only a second prior. If losing, the alcohol consumed will effectively aid in drowning sorrows as opposed to singing-along and forgetting your worries and there’s every chance that if you voice your drunken grievances there will be an opposing spectator ready to beat you into oblivion. I’ll take the pop star. My only real memory of sports stadiums as a child was not so much what happened on the field but of the rock star fantasies that swirled around my head with assistance from my Walkman. Rather than pay attention to the scoreboard I blasted music while marvelling at the occasional eruption of the eighty-thousand plus crowd which I’m sure pleased my Dad to no end. But I’m beyond creating an argument about who is wrong or right and I’m content to think that movies are in some way my sport as I would argue the thrill is the same and of course there’s no shortage of bad analogies: directors – coach, actors – players, and the ground –a cinema etc.

 

Without sensationalising or narcissistically glorifying the notion of being a black sheep walking hand in hand with a dark horse I should come clean and admit that something was simply amiss between myself and sport, an insider might even suggest that something went heinously wrong. I’m constantly surrounded by the beloved home-grown game of football and on paper I should be at every game. Fronting up to each match nursing a tray of beers in plastic cups, sporting the latest jersey and a hat with clapping hands attached to a string, a thermostat full of hot dogs and an exposed tattoo of the team’s mascot. My dad’s side of the family all played football, mum’s side all have yearly memberships, my wife never misses a game and has even appeared on television stating her opinions on the subject, it brings all my friends together, my high school was essentially a breeding ground for future footballers so the opportunity was certainly there and a football itself even claimed my Dads front teeth yet we still show it our deepest support. Somehow whenever the topic is mentioned my brain systematically implodes thrusting me into a numb silence, for a while it was even used as a method to get me to shut up amongst friends. During my twenty first birthday speeches Dad jokingly mentioned how ‘we sent him to a footy school and he plays guitar’ it got a laugh and although I felt like I was living inside a mild version of a Twisted Sister music video, he has a point. What circumstances lead to this total disinterest in football but a thriving enthusiasm for films that would comparatively rival the biggest sport fanatic I’m ever likely to meet?

 

My first theory and I guess the simple answer is that by a stroke of good fortune the pictures fell into my lap. I took the path of least resistance (or movies) almost by accident after receiving my best results in high school when it came to studying film or Media Studies as it was officially called, but truth be told, I barely tried. Don’t get me wrong, I loved learning about films and analysing shot after shot, it was an awakening that gave me a great appreciation going forward. It was also an education I occasionally wish I could erase from my memory for now whenever I watch a film I look at it in terms of what the director is trying to convey between the relationships of the characters by way of the camera’s location. It can become exhausting. From Orson Welles to David Fincher you could watch either’s body of work without sound or still have a clear understanding of what’s what.

 

This awakening however, didn’t count for much in terms of my end of year score. What mattered was the film you submitted showcasing all that you had learned. This was pre-digital so the quality of VHS submitted tapes were of a pretty poor standard regardless of how talented some of my fellow students truly were – one guy persevered through the excruciating task of having a friend portray a character in a ten minute Nick Cave song and lip-synced the entire thing, it required the sort of patience that I did not have time nor cared for. It quickly dawned on me that for all my gawking at screens I couldn’t make a film of any merit if my life depended on it. To enforce this, I made a short film five years later and after organising a tricky shoot with a lot of extras (friends who were drunk, hence tricky) I managed to record over the footage a in the very next scene after it was too late (they were too drunk) to go back and re-shoot.

 

As for my first attempt I did what I always do, I completely took the piss out of the situation, in this instance by attempting to make fun of the campy horror movies of a decade earlier. My movie was called The Scary Bad Guy which indicates the level of seriousness I brought to this endeavour, and proceeded to tell the ultimate cliché of how my friend Bell is bullied, thrown off a cliff only to fall into toxic waste, come back to life and take revenge on his perpetrators and the world at large (other friends). It was as terrible as you could imagine and to make it worse I used an awful, tasteless function on the video camera that would allow me to super-impose indistinct muddy still images over actual footage. This super-imposed mess was available in five different fluorescent colours, so toxic-glowing-green was selected and whenever you were in doubt as to who the villain was (or perhaps he was the protagonist considering his misfortune, who knows) green blurs usually of Bell’s menacing face would flash onto the screen to indicate impending doom.

 

Disheartened by my efforts, I put the whole monstrosity out of my mind until the end of year results came in. As luck would have it, and what I sure as hell did not expect, was that the appointed board that marked the piece happened to be huge horror buffs. These reviewers were independent of the school to avoid any conflict of interest and had no affiliation with me or my half-arsed views and expectations of The Scary Bad Guy. This was also a year before Scream would be released and making fun of 80s horror was fairly uncharted territory. I managed to fluke an A+ and suddenly with high school over, further study in University with a major in Cinema Studies appeared to be the best or perhaps only option. Not that there’s anything remarkable of note that would derive from these humble beginnings but a love affair with the art form would most certainly blossom and for that I’m in some ways grateful for The Scary Bad Guy.

 

But is a happy accident enough to stem a solid fascination with cinema that would continue to grow for the next twenty years? I think I could travel further back to before school and find signs that movies were perplexing enough to keep me enthralled well into the future. Before making friends at school, my few companions consisted of the sons and daughters of mum’s two childhood Italian girlfriends who all wound up as neighbours in Melbourne’s north in their younger years. For fear of mispronunciation (potential mafia reprisal) we’ll call them the B’s and the T’s after the first letters of their surnames and I should say that the B’s and T’s were polar opposites when it came to films but I was surely gaining a vast understanding of what else movies had to offer outside of the cartoon’s and discreet adventure films held in my arsenal. Having an identity in terms of favourite genres must have been a thing because I recall claiming mine was adventure (probably since I knew little else) as the sons of each family constantly harped on about their favourite types of movies which were varied and worlds apart from my own to say the least.

 

The T’s house and home life reminded me of  somewhere in between Al Pacino’s in The Godfather and Al Pacino’s in Donnie Brasco, sure they could be inviting, generous and casual but there was an implied boundary that suggested zero tolerance on the mucking around policy. There were also forbidden parts of the house where hideous but expensive couches and chairs lay entombed in plastic and we were ushered to a common area beside through a kitchen where the T women would be fussing over the night’s feast. Being close with the son I remember most suggestions of films I proposed we watch were shut down with the disclaimer ‘that movie’s banned in this household’ which coming from a five year old sounds hilarious although it occurs to me now that he was mimicking his own father.

 

This extended to most forms of popular 80s entertainment – that sketch comedy show isbanned, that board game’s banned, and that dog’s banned, or stays outside, therefore banned. One type of film wasn’t banned however and that was the teen sex comedy flick, the type that felt like a descendent to Benny Hill. You know films that objectified and degraded women where tops and skirts would be easily and unnecessarily removed, where change rooms were peeped into and where any woman without an hourglass figure was instantly demonised. I’m talking Porky’s, Porky’s 2: The Next Day and let’s not forget Porky’s 3: Porky’s Revenge. I found their tolerance for such films rather odd considering the relatively harsh ban list. It rubbed off too, for the only time I saw imagination put to use was when the son and I were playing with a discarded cardboard roll from paper towels. He peaked through it and claimed he could see through women’s’ clothes and described exactly what he was supposedly seeing…. At age five! And don’t think this we boldly snuck away to get secret insight as to what the Porky’s fuss was all about, this quirky cousin of porn was fun for the entire extended family.

 

 

Porky's - every bit as this poster suggests.
Porky’s – every bit as this poster suggests.

 

 

The B’s in terms of their home life particularly where movies were concerned was a completely different affair. Movies were constantly playing and there was always a stack of them from the video store piled high onto the coffee table or bookending their latest Trinitron and the single genre from recollection was always action. Now 80s action was a relentless beast and if it wasn’t Rated R 18+ it was hardly worth your while, fast and furious meant something else entirely. As the antagonists were mercilessly gunned down often at point blank range and usually in a shoot first ask questions later scenario, the action superstar or anti-hero ferociously decimated all in his wake usually with a cocky quip to signal a cut scene. The clear favourite and all-round people’s champion at the B’s was Steven Seagal who was not only quick with a pistol but could kick the living shit out of you providing you startled him by pouncing from his blind spot. I didn’t even realise Seagal and Van Damme were still actively making films until working in a DVD retail store over two decades later, and although these recent titles were fairly obscure to the masses at large, for the loyal fans they were a viable commodity and brand new DVDs practically walked out the door, price unseen. I never understood why they didn’t team up since they lived fairly parallel lives in terms of their action careers. Collaboration between Van Damme and Seagal would be one for the ages and you could even borrow the tagline for Alien Vs Predator: ‘Whoever wins… We lose’.

 

 

seagal

VS

VD

 

As well as being introduced to Kick Boxer and Rambo’s First Blood among others I was at the B’s the first time I saw The Wizard Of Oz. I had the good fortune of enjoying a matinee broadcast on a weekend afternoon. I parked myself directly in front of the TV, got lost in absolute wonder as the screen went from sepia to technicolour and was hooked from the moment Toto bites Miss Gulch. I distinctly remember the feeling of how enchanting and dreamlike it all felt, truly I couldn’t believe how bizarre and wonderful the characters were and how they all interacted with plain old Dorothy from Kansas, it had me completely spellbound! Little did I know the whole plot would turn out to be a dream because just at the very moment The Scarecrow agrees to accompany Dorothy to The Emerald City and we were off to see the wizard once more, the damn channel was suddenly changed! In the blink of an eye WWF Wrestling was in full swing and the whole room lit up too so there was no undoing this abrupt switch. Everyone gathered around flexing, wincing and cheering over the moves of the 80s wrestlers while I sat there still trying to come to terms with what I was watching and what I was missing. You can’t leave me hanging after the majesty of Oz and Dorothy’s ordeal to get back home after pummelling a witch with her airborne house. I would eventually go through a Wrestling phase but that was years away, this was an outrage that no one seemed to have any intention of rectifying. But what I didn’t understand was that even the greatest Hollywood adventure of all time couldn’t compete with a little action despite how genuine (or not) the fights were.

 

The other thing I noticed about the B’s was that the stack of rented movies was completely under-appreciated, as though it was just an extension of the furniture. It was no skin of their son’s nose to mumble ‘Dad get me some videos.’ My jaw dropped when I heard this and I waited for his Dad to tell him to go fuck himself but rather he replied ‘what do you want?’ The son didn’t even turn to face his Dad and grumbled ‘I don’t know, just get anything’ as though his Dad was now at fault and I watched in total disbelief as his Dad promptly shuffled off to retrieve yet another stack of plastic treasures for his young prince. All overnight new releases might I add, which let’s be honest were most likely going to be returned unwatched. I couldn’t believe what I had just witnessed. Any time I could rent a movie was a blessing and cause for celebration. Did it pay to be this assertive?

 

Storm Boy even found his way onto DVD.
Storm Boy even found his way onto DVD.

 

You bet I tried the same tactic on my Dad when I got home. ‘Dad, get me some videos!’ to which he replied ‘Hey? You got to be joking!’ and so I whined ‘But the B’s always get videos’. What I didn’t know then and what could have avoided the consequential argument was that the B’s were carpenters by trade and the Dad had helped build the shelves of the video shop thus entitling him to a lifetime of free rentals. But before I was old enough to obtain a video library card or two of my own I was at the mercy of my folks and would coax them into rentals at any given opportunity. Not that we didn’t rent films, we did, but not at the level I would have liked which was at every waking hour. It didn’t take me long to work out the specials either, for ten dollars I could rent ten movies! Sure they were old but quantity was equally as impressive as quality and it allowed me more time to roam around studying the shelves even if the stack I was accumulating outweighed me. One trick I tried was insisting that I needed a film for school, and although I selected Storm Boy because I hadn’t read the beloved Australian novel about a boy and his pelicans as required for class, I also grabbed a stack more. Dad insisted that we were here for Storm Boy alone and in case renting a film I couldn’t have cared less about wasn’t bad enough, the video shop owner laughed and said ‘I’ve had this for years and you’re the first to borrow it’ I was livid. He laughed another time when my friend Bell and I rented Mr. T’s Toughest Man In The World’, this time pointing out that ‘you were the last to rent this ten years ago’ to which I was oddly proud.

 

 

The "toughest"! How could you NOT want to see it?
The “toughest”! How could you NOT want to see it?

 

 

I wasn’t about to rush out and decorate the walls with posters of soft porn or scenes of bloodshed but as others comparatively extreme film interests inadvertently helped expand my own horizons I was still a sucker for the adventure based blockbuster which leads me to one final and concrete theory as to why films. It’s far too early to remember, but I’ve known for the longest time that my first three trips to the cinema spaced approximately a year apart each and in the following order were E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, Star Wars Episode VI: Return Of The Jedi and Indiana Jones And The Temple of Doom. Now anyone acquainted with the trilogies knows that they, more than any others in the series, catered to kids. Dad playfully told me at his recent birthday dinner ‘you’ve lived in a fantasy world your whole life’ and I should have replied ‘can you blame me? It’s your own damn fault for introducing me to the cinema at a time when Spielberg and Lucas were in the middle of a historical killing streak.’ In my impressionable mind the cinema would forever more be associated with the height of absolute awesomeness and a certainty that my mind would be blown!

 

Now I don’t know what the timeline between cinema and VHS was in those days, but the wait to see Return Of The Jedi again felt like an eternity. In fact I couldn’t wait, it was torture, the film had graced the top spot on my movie podium and when I finally did get it in my hands I watched it as many times as an ‘overnight’ time-frame would allow. My first trip to a video store was the result of having entered a Return Of The Jedi colouring-in competition and not a stoke of the pencil went out of the lines on this one! The first prize announcement (you’re very own copy on VHS!) coincided with a promotional visit from Darth Vader and two Ewoks. These were the actual costumes from the film and what I find utterly perplexing now is that David Prowse, Darth Vader himself, was in the actual costume! I always knew this to be true but overtime started to doubt that I met the actual Vader but upon meeting my friend Dylan many years later the legend was realised as fact. Born in England, Dylan, whose mum also accompanied him to the same video shop that day knew David Prowse as the British superhero Green Cross Code Man in a series of old UK adverts about traffic safety. In between shooing away older kids that were pulling on his cape Dylan’s mum asked Lord Vader ‘you’re the Green Cross Code Man?’ to which he immediately spun around to nod his head in certified recognition. I wasn’t going to refute that! Oh and I got third prize which was a signed poster – the bad news is that he signed it as Darth Vader not David Prowse and the worse news is that we lost the poster, but regardless, after an experience like that try prying me away from a video store or the cinema ever again!

 

 

Seeing a video library wall full of this on VHS helped kickstart a love affair with renting.
Seeing a video library wall full of this on VHS helped kickstart a love affair with renting.

 

 

I could travel further back and make a case for baby scans in the womb or an abundance of photos in infancy but we’re thereby embarking on peculiar terrain which would require a psychoanalysts input. Or I could make a case for it being heredity as my great-grandmother in Italy apparently used to say, ‘I have little time left and I want to watch as many movies and as much TV as I can before I go’. My mum and uncle also used to sneak out of bed to watch TV and movies. So I recognise that as pointless as this may seem to anyone but myself I’m still glad I got to spit it all out and release it from my popcorn catching chest but a thank-you is in order providing you made it this far! I’ve always thought that should I end it up in a retirement or nursing home that it won’t be such a bad deal. I figure I’ll carry out my days revisiting all my favourite films and providing my mental health’s still astute I can spend many years in my privileged fantasy world. Of course if it isn’t I can hopefully ask the carers to read out loud my few theories as to why I’m content to simply stare at the screen and from there I’ll happily drift from Kansas to Oz and back again for the umpteenth time in the latest 3D format! I can also take comfort in knowing that no one will be changing the channel on me again, particularly as the other retirees or patients and staff will be huddled together in the lounge room watching the game.

 

 

Oz, I would later discover was all a dream.
Oz, I would later discover was all a dream.

 

 

 

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Posted by: Andrew McDonald

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